KIDS AND SWIMMING

A sunny day with swimming after the girls spent time here working.

Their great grandmother is ill from breast cancer and chemo.

My brother is ill following pneumonia and his partner from hip replacement so they are there in the background of my thinking.

In the foreground, was a day with family. Of Spring flowers and swimming and hot chips. Of a trip through our town. Of Kids sweeping and dancing and more mellow contentment. Then the evening wrapped up with Facetime with Eden and chats with family down there.

I seem to have stumbled upon some new meaning of life for which I don’t have words . Its nonetheless a pleasure.

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DOCTORS AND LOOKING AT THE TOWN FROM THE BOWRAVILLE ROAD

I slept in and damned near missed my Doctor’s appointment. I tried to ask him direct questions but I am still shifty or aggressive after all of these years and not  averse to dodginess if it will win my case for me. SKUZ – they called me in 1/2 way at Bondi in 1987/88 and SKUZ –  I seem to remain. Anyway I did the best I could at being upfront without  being aggressive. He has written me a letter for all Emergency Departments. I have not even read it.

I also picked up the mail waiting at the Den. She contacted me last night and there was the Worm . It was easier to identify when I don’t live there.

“There is a letter for you. Hope its not a bill. “

I said clearly. “It won’t be a bill. ”

Living there let loose the Worm of Addictive thinking with which she is tortured but I don’t have to live with it anymore.

So I spoke with the Doc and brought up sepsis with him. I don’t think I got far but I tried. And one never knows with him because he is a thinker.

I was clear headed today and able to drive well and so I took myself out of town and got shots of the Valley.

This is our Valley from the Bowraville Road.

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I even went walking around the shops. A little lost in my head and unable to purchase but nonetheless – I was out there. My breathing remains eased and the weakness reduced although I had an energy drop and pass out this afternoon. I just got water and sugar into me and managed to get to bed and lie down and I am OK now.

Tomorrow is my 68th birthday. There was a gift here from Arkue when I came home and Kaybee has dinner planned. Things are so much better between us now. A bit like it once was before I became so needy, ill and shattered.

I seem to remain free of troubling thoughts and the stress is greatly eased. Some of it is distance from the events and some of it is having developed a lifestyle which works for me. Affordable. Attractive. Loved ones nearby. Some of it is Acceptance of things exactly as they are and of me as I am. That even includes this minimum of Meetings. I do not wish to engage in fractious activities – at all.

I set out quite consciously on the Road of Grieving. I had markers and landmarks and a primitive map that I had from all the long years of Addiction Recovery. I knew it would be rough and I knew I might not make it and I certainly encountered things I did not even dream of but I do believe I have crossed the Void. I have made Landfall on a new Shore and I am recuperating and assimilating but I am well able to rest now. No Nutters in my life. No putting up with Sheer Lunacy or Distasteful People. For however long this lasts – I AM FREE ONCE MORE.

And here is our township. They have pulled out the big old Camphor Laurels. Why do they have to pull everything down ?

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ANOTHER DAY WITH THE LITTLE ONE

We baked today. I haven’t baked in many years. Today the Little One and I baked. We watched clouds and blew bubbles as well. I told you these were happy days. I am still able to breathe and walk. I am able to play with the Little Girl. I have gone 2 days without a daytime sleep. I scrubbed my floors and disinfected them.  Sounds simple but its new to me.

The rains have passed but its still overcast and clouded. Still rather cool as well.

I am less aware of the devastation of Loss which haunted me for the first 2 1/2 years.  I know I lost many precious things including people and abilities but the pain has rounded itself off.

So has the Fear. For ages it was wrapped around me like a spiderweb. Waiting all the time for the twisted savagery of pain and poison. Gradually – one strand at a time – I have been freed of it as well.

FOR TODAY, JUST FOR TODAY.

A VISIT FROM THE LITTLE GIRL

THE rain continues. I had a disturbed night which is now rare after such a longtime of sleeplessness and suffering.

The Real Joy of today was a phone call asking whether the Little Girl could come for a visit all by herself. She did that and we played for hours.

I call that True Joy.  The Spirit Healer.

Because, in the end, I have just stopped feeling anything about Izzy. For today, anyways.  The thought of his not existing is too difficult to grasp.  I seem to have been given simple acceptance.

I also seem to have been freed, for today, of worry and of yearning for things to be different. That makes life a lot easier to live.

PHYSICALLY , this week, I am in almost no pain and able to think clearly and logically. I guess its because the infections have been treated. It makes near as much difference as the Spirit Healing Children. I can move ” sanely”. Reach for things and not miss. I can sort boxes and make phone calls – things which are often difficult and sometimes simply not doable.

the RAIN CONTINUES

DOREEN'S GERBERAS
DOREEN’S GERBERA

I slept in till 1 pm and the rain kept on falling. In the end I took myself to the shops to stock up further – just in case. Then I went for my walk, visit and cuppa to the Kids’. Its jacaranda season now and springtime flowers. We even think there is saffron growing out front.

I am taking Panadol today to get a couple of day’s freedom from pain. Well, somewhat anyways.

I have a book to read and an electric blanket and soon I shall go to bed. The rain has stopped.

FROM VAN BADHAM FOR IZZY

Van Badham

IZZY FOREAL

I wrote the following for his life companion, Lynne: Lynne, amidst heartbreak, be consoled that the man who was your beloved companion was no ordinary man. He was a leader, a fighter, a guru, a comrade, a friend. He was a man of independent thought and resolute moral principle. He was an artist, a maker and creator and a bard in the truest sense. Meeting Izzy as an 18 year old was the encounter that inspired the directions I took in my own life – artistic and political. He proved to me in his example that those who are as selfless as they are motivated have the power to open minds and effect change. He had the rare quality of the true champion – to understand the indivisibility of leadership and teamwork. He was good. He was kind. He shared what he learned with uninhibited generosity, he told a cracking story and he was always prepared to take the piss out of himself. He spoke truth to power. And he loved you, truly. He leaves love and good example behind him as he embarks on his next journey, and so he endures. I am thinking of how he used to treat his terrible migraines by trapping his head in a wire hanger. And it makes me think what I should have realised before hearing this today: that he appeared in my life as some kind of sage, or wizard – a Gandalf or Merlin – grey-bearded, wise to the world, stepping out from the edge of a grey forest at a crossroads, and, smiling, nudging me gently towards my true way.

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